I'm considering a career change. Sure, being a homeschooling mother and part time lazy blogger is glamorous, but the pay stinks and the hours are horrible. I was thinking about becoming a relationship counselor instead. This would combine two of my favorite things - telling people what to do and listening to other people's problems so that my own problems seem not nearly so bad by comparison.
As a relationship counselor, I could hang out my shingle and people would pay me to listen to them complain about their girlfriend/boyfriend/parent/child/teacher/co-worker/or whoever. This is pretty much what I already do for free. I'm good at it, too. People who paid for my services would get top quality head nodding, concerned and sympathetic smiles, and lots of "tell me more."
Then, when the relationship has been thoroughly examined, the problem extrapolated, and the dynamic explained, I would swing into action and give extraordinary advice. Some people feel that you need letters behind your name before you're qualified to give advice. I disagree. I've got an Mrs. in front of my name and an MOM after it, so I feel supremely qualified to wade into the murky waters of troubled relationships. Plus, I watched a soap opera back in college, so I know exactly what NOT to say.
The easiest clients would involve work relationships. Employee making you nuts? Fire them. Boss making you crazy? Put a laxative in his or her coffee and get a new job. Co-worker driving you round the bend? Watch a few episodes of The Office. I'm sure you'll get some ideas.
I think I might have to go into practice with a partner. Then I would pass off all the parent/child/teacher problems to that person. It's not the I'm not qualified. More like overqualified. I've been there, done that, and have the wrinkles to prove it.
I think my favorite group of clients would be the love-lorn. So easy.
* How do I get a girlfriend (or boyfriend)?
~ You don't. Go make friends, both with boys and girls. Hang out with people whose company you enjoy. Talk to them. Listen to them. Have fun together. Maybe something will come from it. Maybe not. But at least you'll have friends that you can hang out with.
* My boyfriend (or girlfriend) doesn't call me every day. If they really loved me, wouldn't they call every day?
~ Maybe. But more likely not. Unless you're on your honeymoon, you can't expect that other person's thoughts to be on you 24/7. If it's a healthy relationship, that other person has other things going on besides waiting by the phone to talk to you. If they are waiting 24/7, taking the phone in the potty so they don't miss your call (not just to play Angry Birds like normal people do), that's obsessive, unhealthy, and they should get a hobby.
* Where can I find the love of my life?
~ See the first question. When you find a really good friend, you might have found the love of your life. Potentially. So, make friends. Who knows what could come of that great conversation you had on Tumblr when you found out that you weren't the only one who thought a cross-over between Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Anne of Green Gables would be the best thing ever? But if you go to a bar looking for the love of your life, you're guaranteed to come home smelling like cigarette smoke and most likely without the love of your life. Unless you've always wanted to be hitched to a drunk.
* My girlfriend (or boyfriend) is super whiny. How do I change her (or him)?
~ You don't. You upgrade to the non-whiny version.
* I want to break up with my boyfriend (or girlfriend). How do I do it without hurting their feelings?
~ Go with the classics. The tried and true "let's just be friends" has stood the test of time. And if you say it nicely enough, it might take him (or her) till you get a new boyfriend (or girlfriend) to figure out that he (or she) has been dumped.
That's just a sampling of the superior advice you'd get when you come to Cookie Baker Counseling services. Interested? Call or email to make an appointment.
Not convinced? Here's a freebie - a solid piece of advice is to try these shakes. They are like everything a GAPS girl or guy wants in a mate: rich, sweet, and satisfying.
Dairy-Free Chocolate Milkshakes
- adapted from Eat Like A Dinosaur
(Because this recipe calls for chilled and frozen ingredients, you need to plan ahead)
2 dried dates
1 14 oz can full-fat coconut milk, chilled (to be GAPS legal, it can't have added thickeners)
1 cup ice
1 avocado, peeled and pitted
1 ripe banana, frozen
1/4 cup cocoa powder (preferably raw)
1- Place dates in a small bowl and cover with boiling water. Let them sit for 15 minutes.
2- Remove the dates from the water and pat them dry. Remove the pit and place them in a blender.
3- Add the rest of the ingredients to the blender. Purée until smooth.
4- Serve in small glasses with straws.