Thursday, August 23, 2007

PG-13 Rant

Warning: this post contains high levels of estrogen and may offend readers. Reader discretion is advised. Children under 13 must seek their parents' permission before reading. Male readers may want to skip straight to the recipe. In an effort to keep this site's PG-13 rating, the term "dancing" has been substituted for another popular activity for married couples.

I went to the doctor's office recently. I saw the same woman that I see every year for my annual grope and poke. We make polite chit-chat about my family while she makes sure I'm clean and cancer-free. She looks puzzled whenever I try humor to ease over the awkwardness of the situation. I think she has no sense of humor. Anyway, I had seen her just 4 months previously and was back to ask about a different, but related topic.

Having had a nurse dispense with the weight, temperature, and blood pressure (all fine, thank you for asking), she starts to ask me about my lifestyle. "Do you smoke?" No. "Do you take any prescription medications?" No. "Do you do any recreational drugs?" she asks, with her voice lilting up a bit, as if to suggest that I could trust her if I chose this moment to break down and confess my crack cocaine addiction. NO.

"Do you have a dancing partner?" Yes, I say, my voice rising a bit, as if to suggest that the chart surely contains the information that I've been married over 20 years and have 4 children. I am an active dancer.

"And is your dancicng partner....male?" Eybrows crinkling together, forehead furrowed, I reply in a testy voice, "That would be my husband."

I fumed through the rest of the visit, seething inside over the indignity of people who refuse to remember you, even though you see them repeatedly, and the embarrassment of such politically correct questions designed not to offend anyone. Except they do offend me.

I crossed the street from the doctor's office to the grocery store. Time was tight and I needed to get dinner fixin's. I headed straight for the meat counter, looking for boneless, skinless chicken thighs. I didn't have the time to do all the tedious prep work so I was prepared to pay a premium price for someone else doing that work. Aha, one last package. I grabbed it and then dropped it right back. Why did it go "squiiiish?" What does it mean "injected with up to 15% solution?" Solution of what? Botox, to make an aged chicken look plump and fresh? Or water so I can pay boneless, skinless chicken prices for water? Argggh!

I headed over to the produce section. A helpful young man was stocking the packaged, dried fruit section so I asked him where the California dried apricots were. "Oh, we don't carry those." I spotted them on the shelf and grabbed a pack. Then I asked a different produce guy where the unsalted pistachios were. "Oh, we don't carry those." (I'm sensing a trend here.) Seeing the growing thundercloud on my face he hastily amended with, "but if we do, they'd be in the baking aisle."

So I head over to the baking aisle. I see, of course, zero unsalted pistachios but I do note that they're clearing out the Nestle's peanut butter and milk chocolate chips. What a shame. Of course a bag had to go in my cart. Which, of course, was one of the mutant carts that pulls wildly in one direction. I was not in the mood to wrestle with it further. I bought my chips and apricots and left.

Storming into the kitchen I snarled at my husband, "I don't care how hot it is; I need to bake cookies." My husband is a wise man with a strong sense of self-preservation. "Cookies sound great, honey," said he.

I knew I needed chocolate cookies. The delicious ones I'd seen on Technicolor Kitchen were out of the question as someone else was on the computer. Grrrr. So I used my old, standard chocolate chip cookie recipe, dumped in 1/2 cup of cocoa and the newly purchased chips. While I mixed and baked I mentally wrote a letter to the doctor's office.

Dear ______-

Please attach the following information to my chart:

I am a happily married, heterosexual who does not smoke or do drugs. Should I ever decide to cheat on my husband, take up smoking, mainline heroin, or take dance lessons with a goat, I'll let you know. In the meantime, DON'T ASK! That way I can pretend that you actually know who I am.


Do you think I should send it?

Chocolate Fix Cookies

3 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1/2 cup unsweetened baking cocoa
1 cup butter, softened
3/4 cup sugar
1 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 eggs
2 cups Peanut Butter and Milk Chocolate Chips
1 cup chopped pecans

1- Preheat oven to 375 deg. F.

2 - Sift into a small bowl the flour, baking soda, salt, and cocoa.

3- In a large mixing bowl combine the butter and sugars. Beat till creamy and fluffy. Add vanilla extract and eggs. Beat well. Gradually add flour mixture; mix well. Stir in the chips and nuts.

4- Drop by rounded teaspoonfuls onto ungreased baking sheets.

5- Bake for 8-9 minutes, just till the top is set. Don't overbake or you'll have pucks.

6- Let cookies rest on the sheet for about 2 minutes (they'll continue baking), then remove to a cooling rack to finish cooling.


Patricia Scarpin said...

Lynn, I laughed so hard I think my co-worker's boss heard me (his office is pretty far from mine). ;)
I bet the lady was high on something.

I'm glad you liked those cookies, and these are wonderful too! Definitely a keeper.

Kelly-Jane said...

What difference does it make if your partner is male or female? Is it going to make a difference to your health? I'd have been pretty mad too :ox I mean married, husband, children - hello!

Great cookies though :)

Amy said...

It's a shame they can't take 10 seconds to jot down notes on your chart! The cookies look fabulous!

Anh said...

Oh Lynn, what an awkward situation in the doctor office!!! Geez, what does it mean by being professional huh?

But after all, you have baked fabulous cookies again! Beautiful and delicious!

Blue Zebra said...

Oh yes, thanks very much you very funny lynn! Do you have ANY idea how painful it is to double fontaine salt and vinegar potato chips out of your nose especially when they are mixed with a cold chardonnay??? While I'm laughin so hard I have tears streamin down my face???? Bwahahahahahaha!

I'm sorry to laugh because I hope you eat the whole batch! A day this terrible, awful no good really bad day Alexander deserves a recipe of chocochip cookies! But you write so cleverly!

I double dog dare you to send that to the doc!!!!

I think I'm going to have to invent a "your a rockstar" award!

VeggieGirl said...

haha, this post made me smile. for sure you should send that letter to the doctor - I truly wonder what the reaction would be :0)

the cookies seem to have lived up to their "chocolate fix" name! they look great!

eatme_delicious said...

I have to agree with others and say that you do write cleverly and made me laugh out loud! I'm sorry you had a crappy chain of events day, but at least there are delicious cookies to comfort. :)

MyKitchenInHalfCups said...

I think you should serve the doc's office the BZ's menu of double fontaine salt and vinegar potato chips and chardonnay while you, your husband or somebody (I'll even volunteer) reads them this entire post.
Thankfully I was not eating or drinking when I came to read this one. If I had been, I know I'd have aspirated whatever it was.
Beautiful . . .

DianneM said...

Send it and hot link your blog to their office.

Belinda said...

Yikes, Lynn...what a clueless woman you had to deal with at the doctor's office! I would be super ticked off, and yes, send the letter. That's hilarious! On a happier note, the day ended with these yummy sounding cookies. Chocolate is the cure for a bad day for sure. Hope today is going much better for you. :-)

Jerry said...

Oh Lynn! That is like last week at my doctor, when I "refused" to name another contact than family and had to initial. I could have killed the woman. But at least you got cookies!

Sarah said...

Are you thinking of taking up dance lessons with a goat?.... Or doing drugs....? I hope not. That might be hard to explain to my friends.

Super funny. I go to the same doctor, and she is convinced I'm a sex addict no matter how hard I explain to her I'm not having sex with anyone. She must be insane, and can't understand other people not being like herself. Let's find a new doctor, ok?

sarah said...

For my sanity's sake, can you please remove the picture on the bottom of this post? At least let me rework it. It looks horrible with the post. It is a truly ugly cookie picture, and I'm ashamed of it.

WokandSpoon said...

Hehehehehehehehehehehe! Yes, yes, send the letter!
And those cookies would fix anything! mmmmmmmm!

Cookie baker Lynn said...

Patricia - So glad I could give you a laugh! I've got to print out your cookie recipe so I can try those next time the "need" strikes.

Kelly-Jane - well, it does make a difference for a fertility issues.

Amy - yes, but life is full of frustrations we just have to deal with. That's why God gave us chocolate!

Anh - You are so kind. And I'm sure you'd be much more gracious than me.

Blue Zebra - You deserve a special award for having chips and chardonnay coming out your nose!

Veggie Girl - When all else fails, chocolate!

Eatme Delicious - Well, no bad situation is a total waste if you can make someone else laugh at it.

My Kitchen In Half Cups - You, me, and BZ at the doctor's office. I love it! Then we retire in triumph to the nearby Mexican restaurant for nachos, margaritas, and much laughter.

Dianne - Oh, good call!

Belinda - Thanks, dear. Yes, I'm much better. Making the cookies and then writing it up was good therapy.

Jerry - Try the cookie baking therapy. It really helps! It's hard to be tense when eating a warm, chocolate cookie.

Sarah - OK and OK. Happy now?

Wok and Spoon - So glad you're back. I missed you! But the Tim Tams helped ease the pain. :-)

Ellie said...

LOL! Save the letter and just have a copy ready in your handbag to be given to the doctor before next year's appointment :P If she starts in with the questions, just hand it to her and see what she does!

Hope the cookies helped ease the stress, and though they look delectable, my mind is still extremely worried about the injected, squishy chicken!

Nan said...

Ha ha! You should definitely send the note. It's the office's job to keep your medical history written down and if they can't even keep track of the basics, how can you trust them with important medical information?

Baking is my version of anger relief, as well!

Anne said...

what an experience! how can people be so insensitive? with times like these chocolates sure helps :)

Fruittart said...

Perfect. Of course, if your doctor is like mine, maybe she was just trying to pick you up! ;-)

Cookie baker Lynn said...

Ellie - Good plan. Yes, be wary when picking up chicken in the grocery store. You never know...

Nan - You're right. I think baking bread is wonderful therapy, as well. You knead all your frustration away and then get to eat warm bread.

Anne - I hate to think what loony bin I'd be in without chocolate!

Fruittart - Ha ha! You might be right.

Tartelette said...

Send that letter! What a day you had! Great cookie recipe!