You Think I'm Nuts? You Might Be Right

Insomnia sucks. I've been battling it for over two years. In that time I've had maybe a handful of nights when I slept through the night. I have no trouble getting to sleep (because I'm so exhausted), but at 2 or 3 am my brain goes into hyper-drive and the weirdest thoughts come out to play, pinging around in my brain like quarks in a particle accelerator.

This morning what I woke to was my brain having a conversation with itself. "What if, " it postulated, "you did a mash-up of The Hunger Games and The Dating Game?" "Yes," it answered, " you could have a group of teenagers fighting to the death for a chance to go out with..... Justin Bieber!"

So while weary me is just wanting to go back to sleep, my brain is planning out what The Hungry Dating Game would look like.

The volunteers (I'm unsure on the number - one from each state? an even dozen? ) would stand on their platforms around the cornucopia, eyeing the loot and eyeing each other. Would it be smarter to run, or should they dash in to get the goodies. And which to choose? The hair dryer? The eyeshadow palette? The curling iron (a lethal weapon, if you can find an outlet)? A safe bet would be the Prada backpack. It's bound to have some mascara that can be used to stab someone in the eye.

I'm unsure how the actual games would play out. There would doubtless be some horrific scenes of broken nails and hair pulling. But when the final cannon sounded, there would be one victor. And poor Justin Bieber would have to go out with a mass murderer. But, that's why his bodyguards make the big bucks, right?

Eventually I fell back to sleep, waking groggy and disoriented several hours later. At which point I'm bored with bed and get up to go do the Sudoku on the computer. And think about breakfast.

All week long we have eggs for breakfast. If you're a fat-o-phobe, it might give you heart palpitations to learn that I have 2-3 eggs fried in coconut oil every day, topped with butter. My son, when he's hungry will have 4, sometimes making them into an omelette with cheese. But he gets bored with eggs. So on the weekends I try to do something different. Today I'm going to make waffles. Lovely waffles with coconut flour and lots of eggs, so they're high in protein and won't give a blood sugar spike, followed by a carb coma. I'm going to make an extra big batch so that we can have leftovers (hopefully). Left-overs in waffle land mean (gasp!) sandwiches for lunch! My husband, the sandwich-o-phile, will be so happy.

Coconut Flour Waffles
 - adapted from Health, Home, and Happiness

1/2 cup melted coconut oil, butter, or ghee
1/2 cup coconut flour, sifted or sieved
12 eggs
1 Tbsp pure vanilla extract (read the label to make sure there's no added sugar)
1/2 salt
1 Tbsp gelatin

1- Preheat waffle iron. Grease it generously with coconut oil.

2- Mix all the ingredients in a large bowl. Allow the batter to rest for 10 minutes. It will thicken as it rests.

3- Pour batter onto the iron, using a spoon or small cup appropriate to the size of your waffle iron. Cook for 3-4 minutes, or until golden brown.

4- Serve with lots of butter and whatever else you choose. If you want to save some for lunchtime sandwiches, allow them to cool draped over the handle of a wooden spoon so they don't get soggy.

Taco Rack Winner!

And the winner of the Taco Rack giveaway is.......Kelly!

Please get back to me by Monday with your contact information so we can get your Taco Rack shipped out to you.

Congratulations, Kelly, and happy tacoing!

Taco Bliss Giveaway

It blows my mind that someone invented the folding chair. I mean, I can barely get the things opened, and someone, looking at a regular chair one day said, "Hmm, if I could fold this up, it would take up way less storage space." And then they made it happen.

Inventors are amazing. When I'm irked by something, I whine and complain about it. If I do think up a solution, it's so impractical it's laughable. Case in point: getting stuck behind a semi going 35 mph on a freeway onramp. Frustration! Solution? Transporters. Like in Star Trek. Why don't we have them??

Clearly I do not have an inventor's brain. And inventor is someone who looks at a problem and then thinks through the steps to a solution. And then takes those steps to improve their life and the lives of countless others.

A friend of mine, Nicolas, is a fanatic about Mexican food. His deep and abiding passion in life is tacos. And Elvis. But that's another post. Back to the tacos. He loves tacos, but was always frustrated with them. Taco shells that shatter when you bite into them? Lame. It's eating taco salad with your hands. 

And really, what is the heart of Mexican food? The reason we love to go to Mexican restaurants? I mean, besides the margaritas. The cheese, of course! Melted, gooey cheese. The more the better!  Where in a typical homemade taco is that ooey gooey delight? You don't get it. By the time you sprinkle your cheese over your cooked meat, the meat is too cold to melt the cheese. Fail!

Such were the ruminations of Nicolas as he worked on a job at a factory that used a laser to cut steel. The light bulb moment hit. Aha! Cut steel into a shape that would hold a taco and then you could bake the taco, melt the cheese, and have peace on earth in our time! Well, maybe not that last one, but you could definitely have a happier dinner table.

Nicolas send me a Taco Rack, his invention, to try and I was super impressed with the craftsmanship (made in America!). It's sturdy stainless steel, so it's good for a lifetime. It's dishwasher safe, which makes it a win in my house. And, bonus, it comes apart to store flat in a drawer! I love that!

I took my Taco Rack to my sister's house to make tacos. (She eats grains, plus her house is way cleaner than mine.) We tried both corn and flour shells, prebaking to crisp, filling with cooked, grass-fed ground beef and cheese, and then baking to make the cheese melt and the heart sing. OMG, what a difference a baking makes. When I packed up to head home my niece was happily chomping one one of them.

At home, I made the GAPS version. My daughter helped me to dream these up and I named them. They're like little canoes of food. Made from zucchinis. Zucanoes. What do you think?

Zucanoes (GAPS-friendly)

zucchinis

Italian sausage

cheese

toppings

sour cream

salsa

Start with smaller zucchinis. You can't use the end of season baseball bats here because they need to fit on the Taco Rack. Preheat the oven to 350 and line a baking sheet with aluminum foil.

Cut a V-shaped wedge out of the top of the zucchini, leaving the ends alone. If you cut all the way through, they'll leak. Save your wedges for soup, stir-fries, or to eat with dip. With a spoon, scrape out the seeds. Discard the seeds.

Put the Taco Rack on the cookie sheet and place the zucchinis on the taco rack. Bake in the preheated oven for 10-15 min. (The bake time depends on the size of the zucchinis. You want them crisp/tender)

Cook Italian sausage and stuff the zucchinis 2/3 full with sausage. Sprinkle generously with grated GAPS-legal cheese. Return to the oven and bake till the cheese is nicely melted.

Remove from the oven, top with your choice of fresh toppings. I used chopped tomatoes and drizzled sour cream over them. They were amazingly good! 

Now, to reward you for making it to the bottom of the post, a giveaway!

Because he is kind and generous, Nicolas offered to share the joy of oven-baked tacos with one of my US readers. Leave a comment below to be entered in the giveaway drawing. If you mention the Taco Rack giveaway with a link on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest, come back and leave another comment letting me know that for extra entries. I'll do a drawing on Friday and let you know who the lucky winner is!

A Bit O' The Green

When I was in 8th grade my Jr. High announced a contest in March. The first person to bring a 4 leaf clover into the office would win a bag of gold. When I heard this, I smiled, knowing the gold was mine. Am I unusually lucky? Not really. But what I did have was a front lawn full of 4 leaf clovers.

As a child, when I'd first learned that finding a 4 leaf clover was supposed to be very lucky, I'd started the habit of looking through the clover whenever I was sitting in the grass. And I found that a particular patch in my front yard always had an abundance of 4 leaf clovers. Finding one for the contest should be a snap.

So, it looked like that bag of gold had my name written all over it. Except for one minor detail. Me. Remember one of my major character flaws is procrastination? Yeah. They announced the contest on March 1st, winner to be announced on March 17th, St. Patrick's Day. Did I race home that day and scour the lawn for the winning clover? No. I forgot. Hey, I had homework and stuff! It's not like I'm a total loser and just watched Gilligan's Island or something.

An announcement 2 days before the event reminded me and I groaned, knowing that most likely someone else had already stepped into the winner's circle. But, I had to at least participate. So that afternoon I found my clover and the next morning I turned it into the school office.

There was a stomp scheduled for St. Patrick's Day. I don't know how prevalent that term was, so let me clarify. A stomp was an informal dance, held in the school gym, with records played. No one invited a date or anything. All the students just came and danced. Or, like me, stood against the wall and watched others dance.

So there I was, in the traditional wallflower stance, checking out the cute guys dancing with the cute girls, when the principal took the microphone to announce the winner of the contest. He said that there had been several entries (dejected sigh, shoulders sagging), but most were dried and pressed, only one had been fresh (perking up), and the winner was (eager look).....ME!

I was thrilled to win, but super embarrassed to have the whole student body looking at me. I wormed my way through the crowd to receive my sack of gold and found that the school district's budget did not run to 14 karat giveaways, but did include milk chocolate coins wrapped in gold-toned foil. As I tried to edge back to my wall spot, it seemed like the whole student body wanted a coin. So, embracing my inner lady of largess, I flung handfuls of coins up into the air and had the fun of watching everyone scramble to get a coin.

Now here is the point where I would normally segue to a St. Patrick's day recipe, preferably one that had the tie-in of chocolate. And I did have that. Really. I made cookies that turned green. Without food coloring. They were amazing. I was using a recipe that called for almond butter, which I did not have. But I did have sunflower seed butter, so I used that. And the funky thing about sunflower seed butter is that when you put it into a batter, it starts to get a greenish tinge. And the longer it's exposed to air, the greener it gets. The first tray of cookies was not nearly as green as the last tray. And as the baked cookies sat in a container on the counter, they ripened into an almost emerald green.

I was amazed at the color and knew I had to blog them for St. Patrick's Day. There was just one problem. Remember that character flaw? Yeah, procrastination. We ate all the cookies before I got around to taking pictures. Sorry!

Snack Time

There are a lot of things that I did with my older kids that I shudder about now, particularly what I fed them. Besides always (and I mean ALWAYS) having the cookie jar full, and making plenty of homemade cakes, pies, and breads, I also succumbed to the pleas for snack food from the grocery store.  I bought Otter Pops, Twinkies, and Frosted Flakes. Particular favorites were chips, gummy candies, and granola bars. (I felt pretty righteous about the granola bars. Until I read the labels.)

Now that we're doing the gut-healing GAPS diet, all of those snack choices are out the window. My cookie jar is in storage, as is the bread machine, and I'd  gnaw my left hand off at the wrist rather than buy candy to feed my son. So, what do I do when my child is in a growth spurt and haunts the kitchen, cheeks sucked in to indicate imminent starvation? The question asked daily is "What can I eat?"

Fruit, while a fresh, whole food, isn't a snacking option right now. My son is still not able to handle sugars well. Adding just a bit to his diet negatively affects his behavior and cognitive abilities. We won't even talk about what happened when he ate his sister's homemade brown sugar/ honey facial scrub that was sitting on the counter. That was not a good day.

So when he asked for something besides eggs the other day, I asked if he'd like squash. A year ago if you'd asked him that, he would have screwed up his face to indicate repulsion, possibly feigning retching. This time he said in a cheerful voice, "Yes, please!"

I had on hand a Kabucha squash. I'm very fond of them. They are sweet (unless you're comparing them to a Snicker's bar) and are great baked and in stir fries and soups.  You might need to go to an Asian market to find one; they are used in a lot of Asian dishes.

I cut it in half, vertically, scooped out the guts, cut it into slices, peeled the slices (this is optional. You can eat the skin, but if you have a family member with texture issues, I recommend not skipping this step.). Then I cut the slices into chunks.

I heated my large cast iron skilled over medium heat and added a generous amount of coconut oil. Truly generous, like a politician with taxpayers' money, about 3 Tbsp or more.  When a small piece of squash tossed in the pan made small bubbles come up around it (and if you you don't have enough oil to see bubbles, you don't have enough oil!), I added the rest of the squash and stirred it, coating all the pieces with oil. Then I took my cinnamon shaker and coated them so they looked like they'd taken a dirt bath in cinnamon. If you like sweet/ salty as a combination, toss some salt in there, too.

Stir the chunks every couple of minutes, adding more cinnamon and oil as necessary.

When the squash is fork tender, scoop it into a bowl and add a BIG pat of butter. Not just any butter. Beautiful butter from grass-fed cows. Which is now available at Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, and Costco under the Kerrygold label. Woo hoo! Butter is amazing stuff and makes everything taste better. Besides all it's other healthy properties, it provides satiety, that feeling of fullness. Just what a hungry boy needs!

These Are Not The Pancakes You're Looking For

In our house we have a giant, green Tupperware bowl. It goes by various names. It's been called The Popcorn Bowl. Also The Puke Bowl. (Think about that the next time you're tempted to feel sorry for me because I no longer eat popcorn). Currently, it's the compost bowl.

When I was a youngster, my dad thought that composting was the answer to the question of life, the universe, and everything. (Thanks to Douglas Adams, we now know the answer to be 42, but my dad was without that knowledge.) We could never just throw away waste, be it kitchen or yard waste. It needed to go back into the soil! In our back yard he built himself a two-stall compost producer. And being of the "do it right, or don't do it all" school of thought, he built it out of concrete. He made forms and poured concrete so that he had two concrete bins, open on the top,  resembling stalls for small Shetland ponies, so that he could fork the rotting humus from one bin to the other.

In his quest for the optimum composter, he'd forgotten one itsy bitsy, teensy weensie factor. Oxygen is kind of important for composting to happen. And 6 cubic feet of compressed leaves, grass, and dead tomato plants does not breathe well. My dad ended up getting rid of that compost bunker (I'm not sure but I think he might have had to use dynamite) and replacing it with something less sturdy and more breathable.

That whole attitude left an indelible stamp on me. The 11th commandment subliminally implanted in my brain is Thou Shalt Compost! And for many years I did. I dutifully heaped, forked, turned, sifted, and lovingly applied my beautiful dark, worm-ridden soil to the garden. But when we landscaped the yard to turn it into a wedding venue, sadly there was no room for a compost heap. So I've resigned myself to tossing my kitchen scraps into the yard waste bin provided by the city and letting them do the composting.

With our new diet, though, we produce a LOT of kitchen scraps. We fill the compost bowl at least once a day with quality, organic leavings. It pains me to consign them to the green bin. Surely there must be some way to reuse!

I was thinking this the other day, as I looked at the juice leavings. We juice carrots, kale, celery, spinach, and apples (and whatever else we think to toss in) and produce about 4 cups of dry waste from that daily. I had the leaving on the counter as I was preparing to make GAPS pancakes, whose ingredients are squash, eggs, and nuts. And then I had an AHA! moment. I used the juice waste in place of the squash to make the pancakes, adding a little coconut milk for moisture.

(These are King Arthur Flour Pancakes. They are prettier than mine. Plus I was too lazy to take pictures of mine.)

Were these the light, fluffy pancakes like those I used to make with white flour and sugar? No, no they were not. But they were a lot like the squash pancakes and since my family is used to those, they didn't complain. Did they squeal in joy, asking how soon we could have them again? No, they did not. But these days, any meal which they will eat without gagging or complaining is a victory.

And I got to have the pleased glow all day of having rescued some perfectly good kitchen waste from the bin.

Aprés Juice Pancakes

Dry leavings from juicing - about 4 cups worth
2 cups soaked and dehydrated walnuts
6 farm eggs
about 1/4 cup coconut milk
Coconut oil or tallow

1- Into a food processor or blender, add all the ingredients (the dry leavings last - unless you want to burn out the motor on your blender. Don't ask how I know. Just trust me on this one.)

2- Process until you have a smooth, creamy batter. Add more coconut milk if it seems to thick.

3- Heat a frying pan over medium heat. Add coconut oil or tallow to coat it. You want a lot of grease in there!

4- Drop the batter by tablespoonfuls onto the hot pan, spreading with the back of a spoon to an even thickness.

5- When the underside is done, flip carefully with a spatula and cook the other side. If the consistency is off, the pancakes may break up. No worries. Go with it and call them scrambled pancakes and hope to do better next time.

A Piece of Advice

I'm considering a career change. Sure, being a homeschooling mother and part time lazy blogger is glamorous, but the pay stinks and the hours are horrible. I was thinking about becoming a relationship counselor instead. This would combine two of my favorite things - telling people what to do and listening to other people's problems so that my own problems seem not nearly so bad by comparison.

As a relationship counselor, I could hang out my shingle and people would pay me to listen to them complain about their girlfriend/boyfriend/parent/child/teacher/co-worker/or whoever. This is pretty much what I already do for free. I'm good at it, too. People who paid for my services would get top quality head nodding, concerned and sympathetic smiles, and lots of "tell me more."

Then, when the relationship has been thoroughly examined, the problem extrapolated, and the dynamic explained, I would swing into action and give extraordinary advice. Some people feel that you need letters behind your name before you're qualified to give advice. I disagree. I've got an Mrs. in front of my name and an MOM after it, so I feel supremely qualified to wade into the murky waters of troubled relationships. Plus, I watched a soap opera back in college, so I know exactly what NOT to say.

The easiest clients would involve work relationships. Employee making you nuts? Fire them. Boss making you crazy? Put a laxative in his or her coffee and get a new job. Co-worker driving you round the bend? Watch a few episodes of The Office. I'm sure you'll get some ideas.

I think I might have to go into practice with a partner. Then I would pass off all the parent/child/teacher problems to that person. It's not the I'm not qualified. More like overqualified. I've been there, done that, and have the wrinkles to prove it.

I think my favorite group of clients would be the love-lorn. So easy.

* How do I get a girlfriend (or boyfriend)?
~ You don't. Go make friends, both with boys and girls. Hang out with people whose company you enjoy. Talk to them. Listen to them. Have fun together. Maybe something will come from it. Maybe not. But at least you'll have friends that you can hang out with.

* My boyfriend (or girlfriend) doesn't call me every day. If they really loved me, wouldn't they call every day?
~ Maybe. But more likely not. Unless you're on your honeymoon, you can't expect that other person's thoughts to be on you 24/7. If it's a healthy relationship, that other person has other things going on besides waiting by the phone to talk to you. If they are waiting 24/7, taking the phone in the potty so they don't miss your call (not just to play Angry Birds like normal people do), that's obsessive, unhealthy, and they should get a hobby.

* Where can I find the love of my life?
~ See the first question. When you find a really good friend, you might have found the love of your life. Potentially. So, make friends. Who knows what could come of that great conversation you had on Tumblr when you found out that you weren't the only one who thought a cross-over between Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Anne of Green Gables would be the best thing ever? But if you go to a bar looking for the love of your life, you're guaranteed to come home smelling like cigarette smoke and most likely without the love of your life. Unless you've always wanted to be hitched to a drunk.

* My girlfriend (or boyfriend) is super whiny. How do I change her (or him)?
~ You don't. You upgrade to the non-whiny version.

* I want to break up with my boyfriend (or girlfriend). How do I do it without hurting their feelings?
~ Go with the classics. The tried and true "let's just be friends" has stood the test of time. And if you say it nicely enough, it might take him (or her) till you get a new boyfriend (or girlfriend) to figure out that he (or she) has been dumped.

That's just a sampling of the superior advice you'd get when you come to Cookie Baker Counseling services. Interested? Call or email to make an appointment.

Not convinced? Here's a freebie - a solid piece of advice is to try these shakes. They are like everything a GAPS girl or guy wants in a mate: rich, sweet, and satisfying.

Dairy-Free Chocolate Milkshakes
 - adapted from Eat Like A Dinosaur
 serves 4

(Because this recipe calls for chilled and frozen ingredients, you need to plan ahead)

2 dried dates
1 14 oz can full-fat coconut milk, chilled (to be GAPS legal, it can't have added thickeners)
1 cup ice
1 avocado, peeled and pitted
1 ripe banana, frozen
1/4 cup cocoa powder (preferably raw)

1- Place dates in a small bowl and cover with boiling water. Let them sit for 15 minutes.

2- Remove the dates from the water and pat them dry. Remove the pit and place them in a blender.

3- Add the rest of the ingredients to the blender. Purée until smooth.

4- Serve in small glasses with straws.

All Done Whining

I love watching my daughter parent. She's an awesome mother, much better than I was at her age. She sets clear boundaries and is consistent in not allowing the flopping of a toddler shoe across the line. One of the things she does not allow is whining. I have to bite my lip not to laugh when my granddaughter says, tears streaming down her face, "All done whining! I be happy girl!"

I take this toddler lesson to heart with GAPS. It's easy to be sad when grocery shopping, wandering the aisles of forbidden foods. It was especially difficult at Christmas, when Trader Joe's had tempting chocolate treats and peppermint hot cocoa right by the check out aisle. There were times that I came close to tears, but then I'd put on a brave smile and say to my kids, "All done whining. I be a happy girl."

Being a happy girl is a choice. And a big part of making that choice is looking for things to celebrate, things about which you can genuinely be happy. I could have ruined our Christmas with whimpering and whining about all the treats we couldn't have (and don't think it would have taken the rest of the family more than 5 seconds to follow my lead), but instead I looked for ways to make our Christmas wonderful, even without the forbidden foods.

Instead of baking cookies for the neighbors, we used the time to do some much needed cleaning and decluttering.

Our stockings were hung with care (on the windowsill, because we don't have a fireplace in our living room), but they were not filled with chocolates or hard candies. I had to get a little creative and dig through the dollar bins at Target to find sparkly nail polish, a Rubik's cube, earrings, erasers, and other small, inexpensive but fun items. The kids didn't miss the candy and I didn't miss the sugar-induced melt-downs.

The biggest concern was our Christmas Eve dinner. Since the early days of our marriage I've refused to do a big Christmas dinner. It just didn't seem fair to have everyone else in their pajamas, reading books, and playing games, while I had to go into the kitchen and work for hours to produce a feast. Instead, our special Christmas meal is on Christmas Eve. And the tradition is crab and clam chowder. The french bread on the side we could live without, but the crab and the clam chowder are non-negotiable.

Crab is no problem, as far as our diet goes. We were even far enough along on GAPS that we could have butter with our crab. Yeah! Another reason to celebrate!

But clam chowder... how do you make clam chowder without flour or milk? A daunting task, yes, but not impossible. I turned to my go-to friend, the internet, and found an almost paleo recipe for clam chowder. One minor tweak and I made GAPS-friendly clam chowder that was amazing.

We served up the feast and I took a tentative first sip. Christmas would still be Christmas, even if the chowder was kind of yucky. But it was good. Really good. I think I even like it better than my old reliable Joy of Cooking recipe. The coconut milk made it creamier without the heavy floury taste that a roux can give clam chowder.

I can't promise that I'm all done whining for good. You know me. I love a good glass of whine. But for our Christmas, I was a very happy girl.

GAPS-friendly, Paleo Clam Chowder
  serves 8

6 Tbsp butter (from grass-fed cows)
6 slices bacon (from clean, pastured piggie), chopped
1 large onion, chopped
4 ribs celery with greens, chopped
8 sprigs thyme (or 1/2 tsp dried thyme, if that's all you've got)
salt and pepper to taste
4 tsp. hot sauce, optional
1/4 cup blanched almond flour
2 pints coconut milk
4 cups chicken broth
1 celeriac root, peeled and shredded
4 cans whole or chopped clams and their juice

1- Melt the butter in a large pot. Add the bacon, onion, celery, and thyme. Season with salt, pepper, and optional hot sauce and cook for 5 minutes, or until onion is soft.

2- Add almond flour and stir to combine. Cook 1 minute.

3- Add coconut milk, broth, celeriac, and clams. Raise heat and bring to a boil, then lower and simmer for 15 minutes. Taste for seasoning and remove thyme.